Vampala

Not since I gave birth to Nyla, have I been at home as much as I did the last two weeks. On an early Sunday morning about two weeks ago, the mother to Nyla's friend brought Nyla home after a sleepover because Nyla had 'the pink eye'. Not having paid much attention to what it was but having picked up on some conversations about an eye virus spreading in Kampala, I knew it was no good.

Before I was able to find out more about it, my own right eye started to itch too. And when we went to bed that evening, I knew I might wake up feeling not good. Even worse. Nyla woke up in the middle of the night with a fever, vomiting and crying. Attending to a child at night, changing the bed sheets and soaking the dirty ones because you have no washing machine is one thing - but doing that while you're sick yourself too is another. What was going on with these red eyes? Meanwhile I had started to look like a vampire. I quickly went back to bed and hoped it would be better in the morning.

But the opposite was true. What followed was a week in which I laid on the sofa for about 80% of the time. (If only I had gotten a bigger sofa!) My other eye had gotten red too now. Both of my eyes wouldn't stop tearing, I was barely able to keep them open and for two days the swelling made me look like a monster. I would boil water every hour or so to clean my eyes but although that gave temporary relief, in the end it didn't really seem to help at all. At night I panicked, was this really just 'the pink eye' that people talked about or was this something worse? I had high fevers too and think I was a little delirious at times. God, how I kept thinking about my grandfather before he died. All alone in bed! My dear grandfather who'd been in his wheelchair for over half of his life. Not able to move out of bed by himself at night. Not to go to the bathroom, not to get a glass of water, not even to just get some fresh air at the window. What a hero he actually was that he carried his disability so well and lived on till he was almost 80 years old.

During the day, I listened to music. At least, I tried. Beyonce's new country album, old music from Dinah Washington and other jazz, blues and soul singers. But what can you really do with a 3-year old who's sick at home too? Of course she needed a lot of attention. We talk almost the entire day when we're at home together. Even when we're sick. Add the laundry and cooking and there's little time left for other things. I didn't work. For a week I didn't even touch my laptop at all. And that was a huge change in my life, especially because I actually had (paid) work going on. I had video edits to finish. I felt extremely stressed about deadlines and I should have been looking for new jobs too - but I was too sick. I had to let go and believe that I would be able to borrow money if I would really be without anything by the end of the month. Which was no option in my mind, every time I felt a bit better I wanted to try and be productive. But I guess God had forced me to rest.

In my mind, I created a music album called 'Vampala'. I heard songs in which half Kampala was a vampire and they were busy disturbing the good and hard-working people, perhaps finally winning and taking over. In my mind, I got mad at Nyla's dad again for everything he had to put us through - leaving me alone with a child in a new country and not at all able to see what his actions had caused.

I have been wanting to go to Kenya and take the train from Nairobi to the coast. In my mind, trains kept racing past too. Symbolizing the journey, life, the speed of life, all kinds of things. I put the craziest dots together and in between feeling terrible, I felt like things made a lot of sense. I dreamed about the beautiful ride through Kenya and felt all kinds of emotions. I believe the reason I try to keep up with the news and other stories so much is because I am the worst at sprinting. In the Netherlands, I felt like we were always running after a high speed train the last years. That sprinting is terrible. So I want to make sure I keep moving and never have to sprint like that anymore.

Luckily, I am getting better. At least I am not in Vampala anymore. I still have a heavy cough but my brain is getting sharper again. These weeks have been mentally hard but being at home that much has taught me things too. I had time to appreciate things again: the fact that we have a place that really feels like home after 1,5 years, the fact that I knew which hospital and pharmacy to go to, knowing where to order food if I cannot leave the house, having neighbors ask how I was doing - though, frustratingly, some neighbours also kept letting their kids go to our home as if I could still be the compound's babysitter. But all in all I try to stay positive. We could get sick and not totally dissolve in the big anonymous city that Kampala can be. I knew how to help ourselves. We're climbing out of the darkness again.

Tomorrow a new week will start again. Time for Nyla to back to school. Time to go out and work on my videos again. Time to be grateful for being alive.