Competition

A month or so after we've recovered from our red eyes, I'm editing a video about the Uganda Marathon. While runners of all sizes, ages and colours fly over my screen, I can't help but philosophize about the future and in which direction my personal life is running. Will we still be in Uganda next year when the marathon takes place? I would love to do more work for the Uganda Marathon. It was the third time I attended the event and it's a very nice moment in the year for me. At the same time, I struggle with how to make enough money and how to make our lives in Uganda more sustainable.

The Uganda Marathon paid me for the job I did, but I know I shouldn't actually be working for the same little bit of money again. I've been getting used to poorly paid jobs because I've been lucky to have had jobs from the Netherlands too that paid me. It was also an investment, taking on all kinds of jobs in Uganda regardless of how much they brought in, because I had to grow a client base and accept that I had to start from the bottom. (Which seems like the absolute bottom from a Dutch perspective, starting a business in a new and poor society while being alone with a baby - but I keep telling myself that I've never had to live in actual poverty like many people here). Although I didn't think I would start from the bottom alone but rather with a partner, I did kind of want to start from the bottom because I wanted to be able to tell the 'real' stories. My business remains about capturing the unheard stories, and not just the ones from companies with money whose stories are already spreading around the world anyways.

However, I shouldn't be accepting each and every job, paid or non-paid, as I basically close my eyes to a lot of other things then. I need money to take good care of Nyla too. And, for instance, my company is still not registered in Uganda. I still have debts to pay off in the Netherlands and I need to stay in touch with my native country because I might have to conclude that this life in Uganda is unsustainable. (And, of course, because I have friends and family in the Netherlands too). Besides that, most Ugandans don't take us as equals in the first place so maybe I shouldn't try so hard to work according to Ugandan standards and fit in in Uganda society. (Though the other option is not trying to blend in and that's wrong too. Sigh). But maybe most importantly, taking on the kinds of jobs I've been taking on has pulled me down a bit. I hate it when people act like things are 'beneath them', but I'm becoming aware that it's not good for both my brain nor my confidence if I don't set boundaries. Sometimes I don't hear my own intuition anymore. In the creative industry, where you work with people from all layers of society (which I love!), that's maybe the biggest challenge; knowing your worth.

My mind is racing. My thoughts are going too fast to enjoy life. Which is sad, because the Uganda Marathon was actually a beautiful event and it's really nice to edit their video. I'm annoyed with myself for complicating my life all the time. But I wonder whether I would actually have an easier life if we moved back to the Netherlands. In the Netherlands, there is much more competition in the creative industry. Although clients may pay better, it's also harder to get work in the first place. At least there's always something interesting to experience and therefore capture in Uganda. And hello! That's not the only reason we are here. Uganda is home too. Even in your home country, you'll feel critical, restless and unhappy at time. But Uganda is the country I've been coming to for 13 years, it's where my child is partly from, it's where I love the nature, climate, people and so much more...

Maybe it's just my mindset that still needs to adjust to the Ugandan work life. There's less competition in my field here, but I need a stricter approach. Up to now, I struggle with being strict. Maybe I want to be liked or understood, maybe I believe it's something up to people themselves or maybe I just don't know how to be strict because it's not in my character or I never really had to be very strict in my life. If people mess up, I rather walk away than be strict. It's the worst feeling when you haven't been strict with people at all and then when you finally set boundaries, people walk away as if they never even cared in the first place. In Uganda, you need to set your standards from the beginning, even if they're not really your standards. You need to be stricter than you actually are in order to prevent issues from coming up. (But I think sometimes people are just strict and bluffing, which is hard to distinguish though necessary anyways as you never know what comes out of something once you've lifted that mask off of them. The unheard stories!) In Uganda, you need to be able to appear kind and chatty but always have the next steps in mind. In Uganda, whenever clients pays late, you need to be on their necks, otherwise they might end up not paying at all. And at the same time, in Uganda you need to be able to live every day with a new mindset.

It's weird how the Netherlands and Uganda are so different that I feel like I cannot really compare the two. They just are. Besides that, things are constantly changing. Uganda changed. The Netherlands changed a lot while I wasn't there. And I myself changed. Both Uganda and the Netherlands have their good and their bad sides. On the one hand, I just want to just be with my mind in Uganda now that I am here anyways. And at the same time, I know I'll have to constantly connect the two worlds. That's just who I am, that's just what I have to do. Be fair to both sides. Know that it's okay to ask 1000 euros for a video in the Netherlands for which I might charge only 500,000 UGX (125 euros) here. The two just cannot compete with each other. At least not financially. At the same time, I find people just as intelligent here as in the Netherlands. They just live different lives and have different experiences. But in the end, we're all just people. We're all part of a system. And some, like myself nowadays, are part of two or more systems.

So I am scared of the competition in the Netherlands. I don't work well when I have a lot of competition. I also cannot play any role in the competition between Uganda and the Netherlands because I feel like I simply cannot compare the two. It would be like comparing apples with pears. So I think I should conclude that the only real competition I personally have nowadays is myself. Whatever I do, I need to make sure I am a better person today than I was yesterday. Although that's the biggest pressure one can feel, because whatever happens, I will totally hold myself accountable, it's also a very liberating thought. It inspires me to make the video of the Uganda Marathon better than the videos I made earlier this year. At least a competition with yourself can never really feel like it is a bad competition. Now back to work!